Have you written a letter to your narc? I wrote several before I left (which I never gave him), and one Dear John letter which I sent after I left. After leaving I wrote several angry letters which I didn’t send. One of the turning points in my recovery was when I was able to look back on those letters and laugh. I still write, but will never send since I have gone no contact. I encourage you to write down what you wish to say to your narc, but don’t send it. Stay no contact. Let it be for your therapeutic use. I will share my most recent, and encourage you to share yours if you wish.
Letter to my ex-narcissist:
Dear _________, (I don’t even wish to say your name anymore)
You did not break me. I am stronger than you. I am not a coward like you. I was not afraid to leave you and make it on my own. I am better on my own. I am better without you. You once asked me, during one of the fights where I dared to stand up for myself, “Do you want to be alone for the rest of your life?” My answer now, is yes and no. I’d rather be alone than to spend one more minute with you. And, I am not alone. I have the pets I was not allowed to have with you, I have my children who I was not allowed to pay more attention to than you, I have friends I was not allowed to spend time with, I have a church I was not allowed to go to, and I have God. I am not alone.
Being with you was the worst time of my life. I’ve never felt so bad about myself, because of the way I was treated by someone who claimed he loved me from the bottom of his heart. I’ve never felt so unaccepted and unsupported. You treated me like trash. Nothing I said or felt was valid in your eyes. You knew everything, you said it and so it was.
Remember when you wouldn’t let me see a therapist, because he/she would tell me to bolt? And I finally took control of my own life and saw one anyway. Yes, I saw her to decide whether to leave you. And no, she didn’t tell me to leave. She helped me to make that decision on my own. One session she had me make a list of reasons to leave and reasons to stay. The reasons to leave were numerous. The reasons to stay was blank. I could not think of one reason to stay. And believe it or not, this was my own mind thinking and my own heart feeling. No one tells me what I’m thinking or feeling.
No one told me to leave. My family, my friends…they listened to me and empathized with me, something you were incapable of. Remember when you caught me daring to have a private conversation with a family member? Yes, I was asking her advice on whether to leave. And no, she didn’t tell me to leave. She is one of my greatest confidants, because she listens without judging and does not tell me what to do, even if I ask her. She respects that I have my own heart and mind and that I need to be 100% sure and ready to make a big decision. She actually told me I should wait. If anyone told me to leave, it was God. I made the decision in church the Sunday before I left, after talking to no one but God. I didn’t know how or when, but I knew that I would be okay once I left. And the following Thursday evening, after you asked me what bills you could pay with my paycheck, I decided none. Not one more dime of my hard-earned money would go toward a house that wasn’t mine, and to support a man who treated me as less than a wife. I left the next morning.
You called me many names, some of which I won’t even repeat. Now it’s my turn. You’re a selfish narcissistic coward. I’m sure you don’t know what that means, and I’m done explaining things to you like a child with no vocabulary. Look it up. Then go ask your daughters and sisters and your best friend about it. Because they don’t see you like that, because you don’t treat them like they’re nothing. They are your enablers; they will talk you out of any bad feelings you may have as a result of reading it. They will pump you up, they will listen to every bad thing you say about me, and they will help you take the blame off you and put it back on me. All of you are the word of God, and I am nothing. But now I listen to the real word of God, and I am something.
And so I won’t send this letter because of that. I am recovering, and part of my recovery is going NO CONTACT. Sending you this letter would only start the cycle again. You would gaslight me and make me out to be the crazy one. But I know better now. This letter is for my own therapeutic use, nothing else. Sure, I fantasize that one day you will get it. But I know that is only a fantasy, and I am working on letting go of fantasies. You told me once that I was living in fantasy land, because I was upset and preoccupied by a problem with some old friends. It was taking my focus off you, which was not allowed. Now my fantasy about you some day admitting what you’ve done and who you really are takes my focus off my recovery. It is a fantasy in its purest form, because it will never happen.
One more thing. I get to dream now. Not only that, I get to act on those dreams, to make plans that you told me were out of the question. I will buy a house, I will further my career, I will visit my mother as often as I am financially able. And I am financially able now that I don’t have a narcissist managing my money. And I don’t have a coward telling me that my dreams are cockamamie ideas and to be happy with what I have. Who would be happy having what you gave me? A house I could never call my own, where I couldn’t let my dogs in, where I couldn’t leave things laying around without them getting hidden, where my things were taken down and put away or worse, thrown away, where I was put down, invalidated, stepped on….no thank you. If that’s what loving me from the bottom of your heart looks like, then no thank you. You have no heart, you only love yourself and those who enable you. You asked me to leave, you taunted me to leave, but you never thought I would actually have the courage to do it. Congratulations, I am gone. And you are alone, because your dog will someday die, your children have lives, and you don’t have God, because no one, even Him, can ever be greater than you and your family in your eyes. And if any other woman is as gullible as I was to enter into a relationship with you, I will pray for her.
I saw your post on Facebook about “The Karma Cafe: there is no menu, you get what you deserve”. I know it was directed at me. So you know, I am getting my Karma now. It’s called peace. You’re right, you get what you deserve.
Here’s some links to other letters:
And the letter we all dream of receiving: